Please Just Talk to Each Other

Some Bible passages are beautiful.

“The Lord is my shepherd.”

“Love is patient, love is kind.”

“Come to me, all you who are weary.”

And then there is Matthew 18.

Jesus says that if someone sins against you, you should go directly to that person and talk about it.

My first theological response?

Do I have to?

Seriously, Jesus?

Can’t I just be irritated quietly?

Can I tell my husband first?

Maybe three friends?

Because that feels a whole lot easier.

But Jesus’ answer is basically: no.

Go talk to the person.

And, inconveniently, Jesus has a point.

We human beings are remarkably good at talking about one another and sometimes spectacularly bad at talking to one another.

Someone says something.

Someone feels ignored.

Someone gets left out.

Someone’s tone comes across wrong.

A decision gets made and somebody feels like they should have been included.

Before long, one person tells another person, who tells another person, who tells someone else.

Eventually everybody knows there is a problem.

Except, quite possibly, the person who caused it.

Jesus offers a radical alternative:

Talk to them.

Face to face.

Not because conflict is fun.

Not because every difficult conversation ends beautifully.

Not because the goal is to win.

In fact, that may be the most important part of this passage.

Jesus says, “If you are listened to, you have regained that one.”

I love that phrase.

Regained that one.

Jesus is not teaching us how to win an argument.

Jesus is teaching us how not to lose each other.

We Are Really Good at Avoiding the Conversation

I spend a lot of time with teenagers, and teenagers are wonderful teachers in the art of rapidly changing relationships.

Best friends Monday.

Not speaking Tuesday.

Best friends again Thursday.

Somewhere in between there may be eleven text messages, four screenshots, three group chats and somebody saying:

“She knows what she did.”

Every time I hear that sentence, I think:

There is at least a decent possibility…

she does not.

Adults do the same thing.

We just use more sophisticated language.

We say we are “processing.”

Sometimes we are processing.

Sometimes we are gossiping with a seminary education.

Jesus cuts through all of it.

Go to the person.

Because relationships matter.

Community matters.

And problems that are ignored rarely disappear.

Usually, they grow.

Conflict Is a Lot Like a Weed

I garden, so naturally I think a surprising amount of life can be explained with weeds.

You can walk past a weed and think:

“I’ll get that next week.”

The weed is thrilled with this decision.

Give it some sunshine.

A little rain.

A few days.

Suddenly that one innocent-looking weed has bought property, established residency and invited its entire extended family.

Conflict works like that too.

Small hurts grow roots.

We replay the conversation.

We imagine what the other person meant.

Then we begin assigning motives.

Eventually we may be furious about things the other person does not even know happened.

Jesus says: deal with it early.

Go directly to the person.

Not to your entire friend group.

Not to half the congregation.

Not to Facebook.

The person.

Sometimes We Need Help

Jesus knows some conversations cannot be solved by two people alone.

So he says that if the person will not listen, bring one or two others.

Notice what he does not say.

He does not say:

“Find two people who already agree with you.”

There is a big difference between bringing someone along to help make peace and bringing reinforcements.

Sometimes we need a person wise enough to say:

“You two are talking past each other.”

Or:

“You owe her an apology.”

Or even:

“You are both being ridiculous.”

Honestly, sometimes that last person is exactly who we need.

When we are hurt, we are not always objective.

I know I am not.

When I am completely convinced that I am right, I can build an airtight courtroom case in my own head.

Opening statement.

Evidence.

Witnesses.

Closing argument.

And, shockingly, I always win.

Then somebody I trust comes along and says:

“Erin… maybe there is another side.”

Terribly inconvenient.

Also occasionally necessary.

That is part of what community is supposed to be.

People who love us enough not to simply tell us what we want to hear.

Church Is Not a Community of Perfect People

Church is not supposed to be a gathering of people who never disagree.

It is not a gathering of people who never disappoint one another.

And it is certainly not a gathering of perfect people.

If you ever find a church filled entirely with perfect people, do not join it.

You will ruin it.

So would I.

Church is a community of imperfect people following Jesus together.

That means eventually we are going to bump into each other.

The same is true in marriages.

Families.

Friendships.

Workplaces.

Anywhere human beings spend enough time together.

Conflict is not necessarily proof that a relationship has failed.

Sometimes it is simply proof that people are human.

Look Where You Want to Go

I have been learning to ride a motorcycle, and one of the lessons that gets drilled into you pretty quickly is this:

Where you look matters.

If you stare at the ditch, there is a pretty good chance you are going toward the ditch.

You have to look where you want the motorcycle to go.

Relationships can work that way too.

When conflict happens, what are we staring at?

Revenge?

Being proven right?

Embarrassing the other person?

Or reconciliation?

The direction we keep looking toward often becomes the direction we travel.

Jesus keeps pointing us toward reconciliation.

Reconciliation Does Not Mean Having No Boundaries

This matters.

Christian reconciliation does not mean tolerating anything someone does to us.

Grace does not mean accepting abuse.

Forgiveness does not mean pretending something never happened.

Reconciliation does not require trust to magically reappear overnight.

Sometimes the faithful sentence is:

“I love you, but this cannot continue.”

Sometimes it is:

“I forgive you, but rebuilding trust will take time.”

Sometimes it is:

“I want healing, but I cannot pretend what happened was okay.”

Some relationships require counseling.

Some require accountability.

Some require distance.

Some may never return to exactly what they once were.

Jesus calls us toward grace, but grace and boundaries are not enemies.

Then Jesus says one of the most familiar lines in Scripture:

“Where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.”

We usually quote that verse when attendance is low.

Well, there are only seven of us tonight, but Jesus said Where two or three are gathered!

And yes, that is true.

But look at where Jesus says it.

He says it in the middle of a teaching about conflict.

That changes the way I hear it.

When two people sit down for the uncomfortable conversation…

I am there.

When someone says, “You hurt me,” and the other person truly listens…

I am there.

When someone swallows their pride and says, “I was wrong. I’m sorry”…

I am there.

When a family sits around the kitchen table trying to figure out how to move forward…

I am there.

When people who have been angry with each other decide to try again…

I am there.

Jesus does not only show up in beautiful worship services.

Jesus shows up in the awkward conversations too.

Maybe especially there.

We live in a world that makes it very easy to divide people into teams.

Us and them.

Right and wrong.

Good guys and bad guys.

Block them.

Unfriend them.

Write them off.

Sometimes boundaries absolutely are necessary.

But sometimes we also throw people away far too quickly.

Jesus keeps asking another question:

Can this person be regained?

Can this relationship be healed?

Can we tell the truth while still leaving room for grace?

Because the heart of the Gospel is a God who refuses to give up on people.

Including us.

We fail.

We say the wrong things.

We hurt people.

We ignore what we know is right.

And God keeps coming toward us.

Again.

And again.

And again.

Not pretending our failures do not matter.

But refusing to let them have the final word.

Maybe you need to talk to someone.

Not talk about.

Talk to.

Maybe you need to apologize.

Maybe you need to forgive.

Maybe you need to establish a boundary.

Maybe there is a relationship you assumed was finished that still has another chapter.

You cannot control how the other person responds.

Jesus never promises every relationship will be repaired.

But you can decide what you bring into the conversation:

Truth.

Humility.

Courage.

Grace.

And the willingness to remember that the person sitting across from you is still a beloved child of God.

Jesus is not teaching us how to win.

Jesus is teaching us how to love each other when loving each other gets hard.

Maybe that is one of the most important things the church can show the world right now.

Not that Christians never disagree.

Good grief. We know that is not true.

But that even when we disagree…

even when we hurt one another…

even when relationships get messy…

we refuse to forget that we belong to one another.

And somewhere in those awkward conversations, apologies, boundaries, and attempts to begin again, Jesus gives us this promise:

“Where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.”

Even there.

Especially there.